I: The Beginning
It begins in a mirror
some simple reflection
I think of all the memories
captured in my face
all the wrinkles denote me
delineate me
time is a scribe
taking my body
breaking my face
to show its passage
I'm different now.
it's a new me
I'm different
this is a brand new story
stolen from others
unthinking like tired marketers
planning another sale
so sell me
brand new
and depleted
In real life
but just sell me
as I am in the mirror
II: The Loss of Home
Here, where it once began
and always will begin again, forever
I cannot rest
I lie here staring at painted walls
I see your name engraved
emblazoned on every plane
permanently
untouched by time
or the fallacy of memory
I see
we are an embrace on a couch
a holding of hands, everywhere
and I cannot sleep
I burn anew
stoked into flames
from days past
lasting and harsh
I feel your presence like a hole.
here. especially here
where wanton youth was spent
and days made short by love
hours dwindled, destroyed by
lingering gazes, and I
forever dwelling inside
your eyes
Here is where I feel it most
where I can't block this
and bricks of emotion trickle
from unfinished afternoons
and form perfect imperfect
statues of you
It's so hard to go back here
to willingly get into the car
knowing that each fast mile
is taking me to this one
sacred place where I once
was safe
It's strange that even before I met you
I called this place home
but now when you're gone, I simply can't
Home was in the majesty of
looking everywhere and seeing you
and when you aren't there
everything that used to mean anything
is nothing
and I can hardly stand it at all
III: The Many Sorrows
I can't help but wonder
what I'm doing
doubting each action
like Thomas
even these words
and if any of them
really mean anything at all
I subconsciously surround
myself with others
just like me and
love them, even though
few others do
I'm so very tired
in heart, soul, and mind
I'm a mess
someone show me anything
I need to know just if
I'm on any path at all
it doesn't need to be
the right one
I can't reconcile
the real world
with my own
We cheat everyone
and say that the mirrors
are playing tricks on our eyes
we stick to our story for
a long long lifetime
and still end up lonely
we're all just liars
and thieves
stealing forever from
each other
but I don't know why
I'm so scared
and alone and
there isn't much to
protect me anymore
People never change
we just lie and lie and lie
IV: Growing Up
I am new...
God damn
I can't even say one thing
with security
There is no positive proof of it
or anything
I'm no poet
I'm just a quiet insomniac afraid of the dawn
I'm no musician
I'm just a sorry little person with a solitary aptitude
I'm no Friend
I'm just a lonely participant in this awkward social dance
I'm no Idealist
I'm just a maladjusted people-pleaser seeking approval
I'm no Hopeful Soul
I'm just a devil dressed up like angels are
I'm no Man
I'm just a child who is playing pretend with all his heart
V: A Winner from This
Suffocating
from this cold
I dream slowly
of menial things
like superficial golden eggs
to bring me happiness
I'm sitting still
awaiting obscurity
like an old-fashioned house
held together by raindrops melted
from clouds
I take these drinks
and swallow them whole
hoping to alleviate
this clumsy self
All I do is hurt
do others even think
about this like I
do?
Am I so alone in this
empty world?
The reason I never sleep
is so I don't have to dream
because sometimes dreaming
is too real, and I can't
take that
How can people ignore
what they see
they deny we ever
existed against proof
that they're wrong
Is it really that simple?
I want to lapse softly into
a dreamless coma
and sleep and sleep and sleep
Everything I do
wrecks
Everything I love
and its killing me
like I'm not already dead
They say that once you're
dead inside
nothing really hurts anymore
and that to just feel something
is such a relief
but pain is still pain
and they're all liars just
like everyone else
with ulterior motives just
like everyone else
and I'm starting to wonder
why people even bother
opening their mouths because
when they do they sound just
like everyone else and
it reminds me how horrible
I am
and what awful things
I've done
and I think about all the people
just like me
who can't avoid hurting
the only people they love
and I wonder
why I'm like this
and if there is a God
why I am nothing but a
needle that stabs through
the heart I hold dear
and I wonder why I can
never run away, why don't
I have the guts
I flee from myself but
I always come back because
I can never stray far enough
and I start to realize that
I am just
like everyone else
and I honestly just can't
stand myself
I want to be alone
even from me
but not from her
and I can't help but
go a little insane temporarily
so fix me fix me please
I am a mess and
broken and need to be fixed
this isn't normal
I'm not normal just
like everyone else
and what is the worst is
that I am nothing
nothing
nothing
and I'm destroyed
so don't worry
because I'm nothing
and life is a game
and there's one way to win
and that is to lie
and lie and never love
and lie and never love
and if you lie and never love
you can create a winner from nothing
all this is nothing
you can create a winner from nothing
you can create a winner from all this
you can create a winner from all this
you can create a winner from all this
you can create a winner from this
you can create a winner from this
you can create a winner from me
you can create a winner
you can create a winner
you can create a winner
but what kind of winner would that be
and you'll look back at that mirror
and you'll know this
and never forget
that I am nothing
nothing at all
<3=blog
can't sleep
poured heart out instead
≤3=stumble
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13 years ago
