k. so I'm a vegetarian, right? for some reason people just don't seem to understand what they should make for us when we come to visit, and I can't tell you how many fricking awkward situations I've been in while eating with non-vegetarians. It's ridiculous. so I made this guide. yaaay.
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1. vegetables are not meat. for some reason, everyone just thinks that they can take out the meat in a recipe and replace it with eggplant or a portobello mushroom or some shit like that, and voila, the recipe is now vegetarian. thats just not how it works. sorry to crush your dreams, but vegetarians do not necessarily cream their pants whenever they eat a vegetable. I know that this might be confusing, I mean, logically we should. vegetarian and vegetable even share a lot of the same letters, but this is simply not the way it works. We didnt choose to be vegetarians because we love them with all our hearts, we did it because we decided that we didn't want to eat meat anymore, or in my case, that I hated plants so much that I decided I couldn't waste any more time eating meat if I wanted to eventually exterminate every sun-stealing pollinating biotch of a plant in the world. which leads up to my next point:
2. VEGETABLES ARE NOT FUCKING MEAT!!! DEAL WITH IT
3. most of us don't care if you eat meat or not. there are some that do, but usually, they're dicks, so don't even waste your time on them. please don't be awkward when someone mentions that they're a vegetarian and you're just about to put a fat piece of steak in your mouth. they dont care.
4. we can have opinions on meat. guess what? most of us haven't been vegetarians all our lives, so we have indeed tasted meat before. therefore, if people are sharing how they feel about certain types of meat, VEGETARIANS CAN SPEAK UP TOO! for example, bacon is quite delicious in many different styles of cooking. a couple times after I have voiced a perfectly legitimate opinion, someone has said "but I thought you were a vegetarian." to vegetarians: if anyone says this, or a similar comment to you, regardless of whether they are "half-joking" or not, I give you permission to slap them. if they complain, tell them that I said it was ok, and to people who have been slapped: dont bother looking for me; if you explain your story, I'll probably just slap you too.
5. when buying replacement hamburger patties, dont cheap out. there is pretty much nothing worse than a shitty replacement meat hamburger patty. In my opinion, the best one is boca burger. they are pretty much delicious, and more than once, I have watched my non-vegetarian friends choose them over a dubious-looking beef burger. the worst offender of the cheap patties is actually not even really a patty. its just a shitload of vegetables compressed into the shape of a patty, which brings me back to points 1 and 2, which I will reiterate here: VEGETABLES ARENT FUCKING MEAT!
6. k. obviously there has to be some vegetables. I'm not saying dont have vegetables at all. I'm just saying don't use them to replace meat, unless you really love portobellos and eggplants. personally I really hate them. but, I honestly dont see the harm in non-vegetarians eating less meat dishes, especially where it seems apparent that meat was just added just to add meat, and you cant really taste it. I can think of plenty of dishes that have meat in them that would simply taste better meatless, mostly because vegetables blend and counterpoint, but unless you're a master chef or something, it's pretty damn hard to randomly toss meat everywhere and have it taste as good, but somehow people still do it, which sorta transitions into my next point:
7. dont serve us stuff with meat mixed in and ask us to just pick it out. I mean, its not that big of a deal, but it's just kinda an annoyance. especially with things like pepperoni pizza, where the meat was cooked with it and you know the fucking juices are all over it. it kinda defeats the purpose of not eating meat, if you end up pretty much eating meat. this is really only a corallary, but important too, so at least let us know if you cooked something in fats, or animal oils, or beef stock, or whatever. personally, I am ambivalent about that kinda thing, it really depends upon the situation, but a lot of vegetarians are really concerned about that. as am I, but to a lesser degree.
8. most vegetarians stay vegetarians for life, so dont try to tempt them or trick them into eating meat. that one seems fairly obvious to me.
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k so that should do it. yay.
as always
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